At the captain's request, I have written a molecular-biology-themed match report this week. As it turns out, it is difficult to find parallels between the gentleman's game and the study of proteins and nucleic acids - about as difficult as finding the boundary on a soggy outfield. Nevertheless, after much thought, I have spotted two similarities:
1. Cricket and molecular biology are both hard.
2. Cricket and molecular biology are both filled with silly jargon, making them utterly inaccessible to outsiders.
It is for the latter reason that I do not expect any literary awards for what follows.
On Wednesday 13th June 2012 the men of Zootalurgy CC took on Molecular Biology in a clash of microscopic proportions. Concern among the Zoots at having only 8 players turned to fear when a female duck, slightly golden in colour (a bad omen even to the least superstitious batsman) arrived. Bizarrely, it seemed to be following Baxter around like an antibody clinging to a protein.
The Zoots were first to bat, with Kumar first at the crease and Martin at the other end. The start was a steady one. The soft, damp grass meant that the batsmen had to work for every run, like a trans-membrane sodium-potassium pump, slowly pumping ions against a concentration gradient. Kumar learnt that the best way to make runs was to avoid the grass entirely, sending the ball rocketing to the train tracks. Sadly he was caught out at 13, and the opposition knew that a major threat had been neutralised.
Grady was up next. After a quick start, the heckling from the fielders, which came in an assortment of colonial accents, got to him and he was bowled. Gilliver then came to the crease and battled some impressive spin. The same spinner dispatched Martin for 10. Gilliver followed for 9 not long afterwards, and it felt as though our innings was unravelling like two DNA strands in the presence of a helicase enzyme. But it was then that Captain Chandler stepped up.
Like a lone white blood cell fighting against an army of pathogens, Chandler took whatever they could throw at him. He was helped along the way by a handy 7 by Amos and a quickfire 4 by Chris. Sadly Baxter, clearly shaken by the earlier incident with the duck, fulfilled the prophecy. In the end the Zoots made 79 (or 81), Chandler finishing with 20 not-out.
For the first few overs of the Molecular Biology innings things went swimmingly for the Zoots. Chandler and Gilliver bowled as accurately as restriction enzymes, and the fielders gobbled up every shot like hungry amoebae, leading to three wickets by catches. It felt as though the win was within our grasp.
Sadly, the bacterial colony that was their score moved from the lag phase into the exponential phase and things went downhill quickly. The score started to amplify like DNA in a polymerase chain reaction and and the task soon looked impossible for the Zoots. A final wicket by Grady saved the Zoots' dignity but not the match, and it was all over with 2 overs to go.
The Zoots live to fight again however, having learnt two important lessons: 11 players are better than 8, and waterfowl are to be avoided at all costs before a match.
See you next time,
Simon M
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